If I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if…., in his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Back in the house he moved into mother’s room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. Me, I was buried under the guilt and self-pity as a result of his mum’s death and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, he came home late and late. The deadlock between us continued, we were living together like strangers who didn’t know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking through the glass, I saw him and a girl sitting facing each other and he lithely brushed her hair for her, I understood what that action meant immediately. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of him and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there was no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at him, stood up to walk away , but my husband restrained her from doing so. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my heart beating slowly, beat after beat as if I’m about taking my last breath. I eventually backed out, if I had stood there any longer, I would have collapsed together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way of sending a message to me.
Following his mother’s death, so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the wardrobe had been touched – he had returned to take some of his belonging. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy `carefully helping his wife through the physical examination.
My office colleagues advised me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having the baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying his mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw him sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, was lying this piece of paper. I immediately knew what it is all about without even looking at it to read it’s content.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: “You wait a while, I will sign.” He looked at me, with mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hung up my coat, I kept repeating to myself “You cannot cry, you cannot cry…” my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears out.
After I hung up my coat, his eyes fixed at my bulging tummy with a stare. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. “LD, are you pregnant?” He spurt out. Since mother’s accident, this is the first time he speaking to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: “Yes, but its ok, you can leave now.” He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. He slowly moved over me, his tears wet his dress. In my heart, everything seems so far away,even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeatedly said “sorry” to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can’t. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, never ever. We have caused such deep scars in each other’s heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally and absolutely intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, that what had gone past is gone forever and could not be undone. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me nor take any presents from him, I also stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, he will try to come into our bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in his mother’s room. At night, from his room, I can hear sounds of groaning, I kept quiet… This used to be his trick; when all was well between us, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that was the last time I cared for him and I showed concern because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby’s groaning came on and off consistently but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it was full. I knew he was trying to use this to reach out to me, but I was no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear him typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, he came rushing into the room, its like he did not change from his office cloth to sleep, but had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a cab, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes filled with tears of joy as he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. He looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain… He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his…. I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my heart at that moment. The doctor said by the time they discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in the terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer.
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: “Prepare for his funeral.”
I disregarded the nurse’s objection not to leave the ward and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. His cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, I thought … the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: “Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now…. I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy’s suggestion … Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life’s journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mum, she has suffered a lot, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most….” From play school to primary school, to secondary, university? , to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there. He has also written a letter for me: “My dear, to marry you was my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you about my illness, because I wanted to see you in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby…. My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me… For all these presents, I’m afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you please help me in giving some of them to him every year, the dates are on what to be given and when to give are all written on the packaging… “
Going back to the hospital, my husband was still in coma. I brought our son over and placed him beside him. I said: “Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms…” He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face….
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever….” Cruel misunderstandings, one after the other disrupted the blissful footsteps of our family. Our original intent of having his mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong.
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT – NEVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
It truly showed the devastating power of grudge, forgiveness and anger! Simple humility and communication and patience would have resolved most of the problems in their story. This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift.
Lets make a pledge to live a life free of grudge and never let Vitamin C ‘Communication’ lack in ANY relationship. Communication is key but only effective communication and understanding will preserve a relationship. What are the other factors that may have affected their marriage? Please comment. Kindly bless someone by clicking the share buttons. Don’t forget to subscribe for our newsletter/posts if you haven’t.
Coming Soon : “Vitamin Communication in Relationships”
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